I’m a convert to Catholicism, with a Lutheran mother and baptized and confirmed Catholic father. My dad fell away from the Church after college, as he married outside of the Church and all us children were nominally Lutheran. Given how his entire family hasn’t practiced their faith since before my birth, it’s something I struggle to internalize. But, it finally dawned on me that my parents’ marriage is invalid in the eyes of the Church. Now, I’m struggling with various questions I know will arise down the line: Do I acknowledge their wedding anniversaries? Should I let my parents share a room when they visit? What should my husband and I tell our children in the future, if anything? Any guidance would be appreciated.
Validity is a term strange to Eastern Orthodoxy and one which Lutherans also find uncomfortable but it is one which is very much a part of the theology of Roman Catholicism. I do not like the preoccupation with validity and find this question strange to my ears. How should I treat my parents since their marriage is invalid? Well, what about the fourth commandment? Honor your father and mother? Whether or not your parents marriage is valid in the eyes of the Roman Catholic Church (to which, it seems, they do not belong, if I read between the lines), they remain married before the law, they continue to be your parents, and you owe them the honor and respect due them as your parents. The commandment came before Tu es Petrus.
The answer given by the blogger was marginally acceptable in my eyes (reminding them that only the RC Church decides what is valid and not) but the answer failed in one central way -- it implied that it was exceptional for this daughter to continue to honor her parents, send a card on their anniversary, or allow them to share a bedroom when they visited in her home. Really? Marriage is sacramental -- even Lutherans see this though we do not call it a sacrament -- but marriage was God's gift in creation prior to all other things. I find it more than a bit confusing and confounding how this could become such a question and such an issue -- so much so that it would bring into question the mere acknowledgement of her parents marriage, anniversaries, or their sleeping arrangements upon visits to her home. It is a muddle to me and one that makes Roman theology and practice on this subject a conundrum and an impediment to my consideration of their larger point in calling marriage a sacrament.
Sadly, there is little that confuses the world or makes the world ridicule Roman teaching on marriage and divorce more than such a question like this and its muddled answer. I had hoped that this might be a moment of clarity in which the Scripture and reason for such teaching might shine but what I got was only more darkness, shadow, and confusion....
Yes, her parents may have failed in their most important duty to raise their children in the faith (Lutherans and Roman Catholics agree here). But the ordered relationship of parent and child does not depend upon the faithfulness of the parent or the success and appreciation of the child. By all means, raise the question to mom and dad why they did not more deliberately pass on the faith to their children (especially as a daughter raising her own children and, perhaps, learning from her parent's mistakes). But it is the ultimate strangeness to preoccupy oneself with the question of validity, whether to remember an anniversary, or to allow mom and dad to share the same bedroom in her home. Goofy. Really goofy. Can someone else explain it to me better than Fr. Z?
8 comments:
As an Orthodox Christian I see the whole RC validity thing as a part of their legalistic view of everything - Church, obligations, confession, salvation, priesthood etc. It all goes back to "created grace vs uncreated grace" (St. Gregory Palamas) Not sure of all the details but wonder if this raises a question for this lady about her own validity. Does this make her illegimate? In all honesty, I find no relavence to anything said or done by the RC's since they are a mere civil state or organization with religious rites.
No doubt Luther would have had very colorful words regarding having Rome determine what is/isn't valid. And Rome still does not see any acts, Sacrament administered, absolution given from Lutheran pastors as valid.
I think you could charitably understand the sentiment by means of a parallel dilemma. What if your parents are divorced, and your father is cohabiting with another woman. Do you invite them to stay at your house? In the same bedroom? What do you tell your kids? How can you honour your father in this situation? I think that's a more valid (ahem) dilemma to Lutheran ears, and perhaps helps enter the mindset of this Catholic's dilemma.
I don't necessarily disagree with your line of thought here, and had also wondered about Father Z's answer when I read it. I'm just offering a sympathetic reading.
But the father was not divorced from the mother and he was not cohabiting... the father and mother of the person were and are still married -- legally and morally if not sacramentally according to Rome. That is the strangeness!
Yes, I don't deny that a cohabiting father presents a different, and more obviously challenging case. To use your categories, it poses a moral problem whereas the Catholic example doesn't necessarily.
But I was responding to your 'goofy' comment. Is it so goofy for Catholics to wonder about how to treat non-sacramental marriages? If your Church doesn't recognise a marriage, isn't it alright for the faithful to ask how they might interact with such a relationship?
Roman Catholic theology DOES recognize the marraige and if they were to divorce it would be a wrongful end to the marraige but they just do not accept it as a sacramental marraige.
Exactly, what the last anon said. It is marriage but not sacramental marriage. Even the Orthodox maintain this distinction. My husband and I have been married for 32 years but in two weeks we will have that marriage "blessed" in the Orthodox Church, completing the Sacramental element. And note that the Orthodox withhold communion from an Orthodox Christian who marries outside of the Orthodox Church. For an Orthodox wedding, the spouse need only be Christian and not Orthodox. The limitation regarding partaking of communion does not apply to those who convert to Orthodoxy after marriage.
I never had the understanding that you have that marriage is a "sacrament" in Lutheran theology. I am unaware of a requirement for Lutherans to even be married in a church by a pastor. How can a justice of the peace provide the sacramental element for marriage? Or is the thinking that the man and wife provide the sacrament?
By the same token I wouldn't lament the sacramental status of my parents. God is not limited to the rules. He is merciful and loves mankind and gave me a great set of parents. SOME Catholics can be very rigid but in this case I think Papa Francis would advise not to stress out on this point.
Joseph Bragg... Yes. In the eyes of the RC Church those parents are on the same level as being unmarried and the children are bastards. I know this because this was my and my siblings situation when we ... Raised lutheran until 2-4th grades for us kids were sent to Catholic school. Our mom and we converted but it didn't stop the nuns and other religious people there from calling us bastard children. Funny.... Converting didn't make my parents marriage valid in the eyes of the church. It only made the church marginally accept us.
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