The potential for light. . .

So far, end of life issues have been more muddy than clear and more laced with sentiment than values or principles.  That said, there is potential for us to look at matters of death and come forth with a more positive view of life.  I did not quite say I had hope for this to take place but there is the possibility that looking at death may actually lead us to a more fruitful and godly view of life.  By the way, I am not at all saying that this is the time for the dying to have a more introspective assessment of their own lives but an actual and honest appraisal of life by those who are left to deal with the death.

Thus far that has not been the case.  Instead, we have put more of the focus on controlling the symptoms, that is dealing with discomfort, pain, and anxiety.  And, thus far, that has been largely a medication approach to it all -- giving enough morphine to relieve the family as well as the dying of too much upset and pain.  I am not a fan of this overall and have argued with the more aggressive approach of some involved in hospice to medicate the dying into death.  Unless pain is the complaint, the medicine has become a mask for something else.  The something else is the passive and sometimes more overt desire to hasten death as opposed to providing a palliative care that makes the dying (and the family) more comfortable.

I well recall how it went when my wife and I went to see her step-mother who was near the end of her life.  This was a woman full of life and a quaint innocence that we both thoroughly enjoyed (though at times we found it confounding).  She refused to go quietly into death.  Her raised arms and enthusiastic voice indicated that she was not going to sleep her way into death -- at least not yet.  Instead, she talked almost incessantly and spoke time after time of the stories that were her life and ours with her.  It was exhilarating for us standing around her.  Instead of the awkward silence of those who watched the hours pass while gazing on the sleep of those making their way into death, this was a loud and raucous conversation about anything and everything that had touched her life.  I loved it.

Of course, I know that this is not and will not be the universal circumstance of loved ones and families but it could be more frequent and more common.  We do not need to tip toe around the dying.  We do not need to walk on egg shells around death.  We need to talk about it and we need it to make us begin the talking.  While the dying may not be able to walk or sit up or even eat, most of them can and will talk if given the chance.  My greatest regrets in the time I have spent with the dying was succumbing to the silence and presuming that it was better to whisper than to speak aloud.  Now I am loud -- too loud for some.  I call the dying by name and gently but firmly inquire if they are ready to die.  I invite them to address the Lord and their families with the things on their hearts and minds while they are able.  I urge the family to do the same.

It is in this way that death can set us free to deal with urgent things instead of packing them away or medicating them away while awaiting the final breath.  If we do this, we may just learn something about living by the way we approach the dying.  It cannot hurt.  The way we hide the dying away and medicate them into silence and ignore the elephant in the room has not made us better people nor has it improved the way we deal with the messiness of death.  So why not try talking about it.  Talking with the dead about dying?!  We used to pray regularly for a good death or a blessed one.  I fear that we have forgotten how important this is.  It is by learning to recognize a blessed or good death that we begin to appreciate anew the gift of life.  Living cannot tell you much about dying but dying can certainly tell you a great deal about living.