Just for fun...
March 16, 2012
Church of England has confirmed that the new Archbishop of Canterbury
will be selected via public phone vote on a TV talent show hosted by Ant
'Bishops Got Talent will bring the Church of England
into the 21st century,' said executive producer Simon Cowell. 'It's high
time people got to choose their Archbishop according to who can perform
the best song and dance routine. I'm no theologian but I'm pretty sure
it's what Jesus would have wanted.'
Bishops from around the
country will compete for the coveted title by performing in front of a
panel of religious experts: Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and regular
'grumpy judge' Professor Richard Dawkins. Poor performing bishops may be
'buzzed off' by the panel: each buzzer illuminating a holy cross above
the bishop's head. Three crosses in a row and the bishop will be
forcibly dragged off stage by a giant crosier.
Favourites for the
title include Archbishop of York Dr John Sentamu who will ride around
on a unicycle while simultaneously attempting to cut up his dog collar
and juggle a number of hot potatoes, including women bishops and gay
Meanwhile Bishop of London Richard Chartres will
perform a break dance routine alongside his crew of street dancing
clergy, Ecumenical Diversity. 'The ability to body pop is crucial for
the role,' said Chartres. 'Every Archbishop of Canterbury needs to be
able to spin on his mitre and perform an endless number of backflips.'
many believe that Cowell has already rigged the contest with his own
choice, a bishop boy band called One True Path. 'I think it is only
right that young people get a chance to be Archbishop as well,' said
Cowell. 'The Church of England need some fresh faced young boys at the
helm. It would certainly appeal to the teenage market and would probably
put a stop to a lot of priests converting to Catholicism.'
Got Talent begins next week on ITV1 but will be going head to head with
a new BBC show, The Holy Voice, in which another group of bishops
perform a sermon for Tom Jones. 'We hope people will stick with Bishops
Got Talent,' said Cowell. 'Ratings are important and the last thing we
want is a schism.'